Donuts are the silent killer. No
really, they are. I’ve seen it happen. This one time, I was getting some Dunkin
and this one guy started choking. We couldn’t get to him in time. It was very
tragic. Another time, I heard this one story of this one dude who choked on the
cap of an eye drops bottle. Herman Mildew always
used eye drops; maybe that’s how he died. But I didn’t kill him. Or at least
never got the chance to. Maybe he swallowed a toothpick or crashed his
really expensive black convertible after a bird flew into his face. It happens.
Maybe he was trying to be cool like his homies and snorted Epsom salts. Or
Smell-goods as the people on the street call them. You know I heard this one
story of this woman who committed suicide, but she ended up landing on top of
this guy. Killed the guy. She survived. Talk about being in the wrong place at
the wrong time. Maybe that’s how he was killed. You know my brother’s friend’s
friend’s friend tried heating up a lava lamp on his stove and it exploded. Just
like that. Lava juice EVERYWHERE. He died instantly.
You know, Herman
always had this really bizarre fear of sheep, so who knows? Maybe he was mauled
by a group of angry sheep. Baa-ing at him, attacking him. These things happen.
Maybe he was going for a nice walk through the park, whistling show tunes to
himself, but was suddenly attacked by a flying squirrel. Those bastards come
out of nowhere. Let me tell you. They’re hardcore. I didn’t even know flying
squirrels existed until I got hooked on Animal Planet. Seriously the animals
they find on that show. Wow. Maybe one day they’ll find a mix between a pig and
a fish and call it Baconius. I don’t know. Maybe he was spontaneously in the
mood to drink something with a bendy straw. Those freaking things are
hazardous. So maybe he got so excited, stuck the straw too far in his mouth and
choked. That happened to my best friend once. She didn’t die, but she was never
quite the same. He used to go to the Hershey factory on weekends, and he used
to talk about this tour where the workers would take the group up really high
and they could look down at the massive bowls of chocolate. Maybe he went up
there and got too caught up in the chocolate-y goodness, leaned over the
railing too far and fell in. I bet he watched Twilight too many times and died
because of its horrible acting and plot. He used to say that it was a romantic story
filled with romance. This statement was followed by #YOLO. Now you understand
even more why I wanted to kill him.
Yeah, sure, maybe I wanted him to
die. He was obnoxious; he never liked any of my work. Did I mention that one
time he tried to sneak into my house to steal my wax figure of Doctor Who?
Specifically, the tenth doctor. He literally climbed through the window, but
because he was so fat, he got stuck. I had to help him out. Don’t worry; he
never got my Doctor Who figure. The dude was evil and weird, but would I kill
him? Of course I would. Did I ever get the chance? Of course. Did I ever plan
to? YES. But did I? No. Because I have moral values. I’m a good person.
